We've All Got Quirks

Every single one of us, whether its the clicking of a pen to obnoxious levels, popping every conceivable part on one's body, or people who can just eat ketchup packets. We don't know why we do these things, we just do. I even have one of my own: I can't help but touch animal's noses.


I'll let that sink in for a second so you can process that remark. I can't help but touch animal's noses.


Before you start to wonder, no, I wasn't abused by a child where my nose was fondled or anything like that. I couldn't tell you when this....fondness started occurring but I can tell you it started at an early age. There is old family movie where I'm listening to a Michael Jackson tape with my cat Frisky on my lap and in between my outbursts of singing (those of you who have seen this tape know what I'm talking about) I take a break to touch his nose.

The only rational explanation I can come up with to why I still do this to this day is because human noses aren't cold and wet. And if they were, I would have left all these animal's poor noses alone. But in all seriousness, touching a pig's snout was super satisfying although the pig was less than pleased.


-In Chad We Trust

ps- If I could line up every animal in the world and go down the line and touch every ones nose, I totally would.

- In Chad We Trust

The Worst Ever: Vol. 2 - Bar Hookup

First off, its really hard to call this a "hookup" because I don't know what you call a situation where one person is the only person interested.

It was dollar beer night (as I'm sure a lot of bad bar stories start) and me and several of my cohorts decided to partake in the fun. As the night is starting to wear down I apparently caught the attention of one of my friend's coworkers, whom she had brought along. The feeling wasn't mutual.

Girl: "I lykee that shuurrt...you looook cute" *crooked and slurred smile*
Me: "Uhh...thanks."
Girl: "You wanna take a ssshot??"
Me: "Uhhh...sure?" (The logic wasn't perfect that night)

So after a $15 shot of Patron (again, the logic wasn't perfect) drunkie grabs my junk and kisses me. Allow me to back up a second. The only conversation I had with this girl the entire night was "Hey, what's you name again?" before we went out hours ago. I literally do not know this girl at all but something in her mind thought 'You should totally grab this guys balls.' Somehow I was appointed the drunk babysitter so she was now my problem.

Back at the friend's apartment everyone is ready for bed. Mistake #1 was drinking just enough to where I shouldn't drive so I had to stay at my friend's apartment. So my friend and I shared a bed (no funny business) and all the while everyone is trying to sleep Miss Drunk Pants keeps going room to room trying to talk to people. She eventually collapses somewhere in the living room and everyone gets to sleep.

My friend wakes up at 5am because she has to go to work and I get up with her just to make sure she has everything. "Where is that one girl?" My friend asks because there is a vacant spot where a drunk girl once occupied. I had just assumed she went into another room and paid no attention. My friend leaves and I go back to bed. I hear the front door open a few minutes later and thinking my friend forgot something I get up to see. Mistake #2 was getting up.

Guess who walks in the door holding a beer (no idea where she got it) and wearing my flannel shirt and my shoes. After a brief conversation I go back to bed. Mistake #3 was not locking the door. Drunkie comes into the room, flops on the bed and blurts out "Time for bed!!" and rips off her clothes. I proceed to get up and grab my shoes and shirt and place them in the other room. Mistake #4 was coming back to bed. My thought was she's got to pass out sometime soon, there's no way she can still be awake for much longer. (Mistake #5)

The girl proceeds to roll me over and start trying to make out with me. I manage to wiggle out of it but our lips made contact which was not a pleasant feeling.

The following conversation is 100% true:

Girl: "Baby...baby...you should have sex with me."
Me: "I don't have any protection and I like to be safe"
Girl: *Pulls me in really close* "You don't have to be safe in my mouth."

----RED FLAG----

I don't remember what I said to dodge that nasty bullet but it worked.....for a minute. I roll back over thinking this mess has to be over. Again, I start to hear the town drunk call me baby and she starts humping me. Never being put in this situation I do the only thing I can possibly think to do.


I start to fake snore which to my surprise works. She falls asleep, I fall asleep scared penis and all.


-In Chad We Trust

ps - I later found out she peed in the bed

The Worst Ever: Vol. 1 - Received Gift

Now that the semester is finally finished I now have time for the creepers of the world. I wanted to start a mini-series about the worst [insert scenario here] I've ever had/experienced/seen/etc. So in honor of....honor of nothing really here is the story behind The Worst Give I Have Ever Received:


Valentines Day of 2005 I was a junior in high school dating a girl (Jessie NOT-Harris) and we were ready to exchange gifts. I had been a good boyfriend and listened to what she wanted and bought accordingly. After a rough trip to Victoria's Secret with my brother I left with several body sprays and lotions. I had also bought the standard candy and stuffed animal.

Now for the backbone to the story: 1) The girlfriend I were talking about gift giving earlier in the month and we discussed terrible gifts, to which I had mentioned I would hate to be with someone for so long and the only gift I would receive would be socks and a card.
2) I hate people who eat only one pop-tart out of the package and either leave the remaining tart in its wrapping or put it in a plastic bag to try and keep it "fresh". You made a commitment to both pop-tarts when you opened the package they came in

Maybe you can see where this is going. The girlfriend wakes me up early V-Day before she goes off to basketball practice with a bag and card. She leaves before I look in the bag, had she been there we might've broken up right then and there. I was greeted by a pair of socks and a single pop-tart in a plastic bag. I angrily open the card to read the phrase, "HAHA!!! This isn't your only gift. Happy Valentines Day!!". You're godamn right this better not be my only gift.

The gift exchange occurs over at her house. I give her my gift that consists of things she wanted, standard extras, and an awkward mall trip. The whole time I'm thinking how after all of this I would have a respectable gift headed my way. Nope. I was given an unfitted Nebraska Cornhuskers hat. My family is big Nebraska fans whereas I could care less, I was just given a gift by association.

"Do you like it?" she asked nervously.

The worst gift I've ever received? Pair of socks, 1 pop-tart, and a hat of a team I don't care about

-In Chad We Trust

Dirty South Education

What's up Creeps? Nothing says 'I need a blog update' like watching the 2010 Hip Hop Honors: Dirty South Edition on Palladia HD. As you can tell, it's my day off from the gym which means it's a free night with little to do. Really, what's better on a Thursday night than watching Mystikal, 2 Live Crew, and T.I. take themselves way too seriously. Actually, there's about 4,570 things better to do on a Thursday night but it's cold and I'm lazy. There was good that came of it I suppose, for instance, I found out that Bonecrusher is still alive and on the verge of diabetes, St. Louis is considered part of the 'Dirty South' despite it's geographical location, Missy Elliott still enjoys cupcakes, and when Master P says 'you know what I'm sayin', I still have no idea what he's saying. I found it odd that of all people Asher Roth was invited to the event and they even let him rap. I felt nervous the whole time like you were about to witness a Punk'd of epic porportions. I had a feeling  they invited him and made him think that they'd enjoy his company, want to hang out with him, maybe let him rap a few bars only to bring him on stage and drill him with a barage of pee filled water balloons. I literally think that would be the biggest slap in the face/oh, you got me good moment. 80% of the time when I'm invited to meet up with friends or someone at work says "hey, come check this out", I keep my guard up because I half expect a water balloon to be heading my way. If you ever see me with the 'who farted' face with squinty eyes, furrowed brow, and stepping gingerly, I either have caught a wiff of brownies, I'm confused, or I'm on alert of a pending barage of water balloons. That probably has to do with my past and water balloons which is a story for my next entry. Let's just say it ends with a juvenile criminal record and a disappointed mother.

Speaking of a disappointed mother, my mom's an absolute addict for Modern Family. Specifically, she's addicted to Eric Stonestreet's character, Cam. It's been her goal lately to have a gay friend that she can shop, cook, and grab drinks with. I think the best thing that could ever happen to my mom would be in a flash mob with a big, gay man and I mean that as the absolute truth. Ever since she saw the flash mob episode, she's been YouTubing flash mobs and has been Googling information on joining one. If anyone has any info on flash mobs or joining one, please let me know. It would allow her to die in peace with no regrets. Also, if you're a big, gay man and want to grab coffee with my mom let me know. She'll be your new BFF and be a two for one. I literally think that's the weirdest thing I've ever done - tried to set my mom up with a gay man for drinks and dancing. Until next time.

Your Favorite,

Cody

Teen Mom, WCW, puppies, and more!

And like that my hiatus ends. Sorry for the delay, I’ve found myself on the pet owner bandwagon and bought myself a puppy and have been busy watching my carpet go to crap (literally), speaking in a high pitched voice (my dog responds positively to this and have friends that can vouch), having my belongings chewed on, and waking up at 6 am to watch a dog pee. The last part isn’t so much of a complaint because for the past 3 days I’ve had to go when I took him out so we used the same bush which makes me a father of the year candidate so all in all, I’m living the dream. I will say there is something liberating about going freely outside that women will never understand the same way as men. It’s a relief to know that we can stand and our only fear is a sudden face wind.  However, it’s no excuse to leave the blog hanging. I feel like I should cuddle the 8 of you and say “I’m sorry” and that “I’ll never leave again” and then take you out for ice cream while making corny jokes in the car ride to DQ hoping you’ll forgive me with promises of insulin rattling chocolaty goodness. That’s right, I’m treating you guys like a parent who sent their kid to their room for the first time and feels bad about it afterwards. Sound good? Wanna eat some chocolate chip ice cream? Some cherries on top? Maybe a soda to wash it down? Can you hear my voice tone rising? Dear God, it’s taken me over!

Let me just say having a little dog can only be referenced to the thing that I know best – Teen Mom. Having a puppy makes me feel like I’m on an episode of Teen Mom only I don’t have an Amber to go along with it. She was charming wasn’t she? Simply delightful. I kennel Big Bocephus (yup, was listening to a lil Hank Jr. and I came up with the name) during the day when I’m at hell work so I felt bad for the first few days until last Tuesday night when I watched Teen Mom 2. I then found out that it’s basically what Jenelle does with Jace so I felt a little relieved. I’m pretty sure she feeds him a few Ritz hourly so he’s good, right? Both the Teen Moms and my predicaments were spur of the moment and unplanned, we both struggle to make time for friends because we know that a massive dump is just around the corner, and our hips will never be the same. Ok, I might have just made that last one up. Is it just me or has this season turned into the biggest train wreck this side of Gigli? Ben Affleck anyone? No? Okay, moving on. The effect that season one had with high school kids wanting babies HAS to be evened out with high schoolers wanting nothing to do with members of the opposite sex thanks to Jenelle, Kailyn, and Chelsea this year. The most redeeming quality that can be said about Jenelle is that at the very least, she’s not Chris Benoit…yet. I’m not going to lie to you, I typed that joke about 2 or 3 different ways and thought it was funny/became embarrassed about it every which way I posed it. Momma Bear does read the blog and I know what you’re thinking – “your mom is going to be disappointed in you when she reads that joke” and I say N-O. If you know anything about my family, you know that we were raised to love us some WCW. Chad and I weren’t the only ones that screamed at the top of our lungs when Benoit locked in the Crippler Crossface. Truth being told, mom was a true Jericholic and would have given her left mammary to be put in the Liontamer. And right there is where mom would be disappointed in me – sorry mom, at least I thought it was funny at the time. I’ll never forget the time my mom took us to a Monday Nitro at Kemper Arena when I was in 8th grade. Not only did I make national TV with a sign I made showing support for my main man Bret, (fast forward to 2:09 in the video and that’s me) we witnessed the return of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall (walked right down our aisle, thank you very much), and I bought a Revolution t-shirt (which consisted of Shane Douglas, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Chris Benoit) minutes before they broke up in the ring. That night I vowed to my 13 year old self that I would never buy another wrestling t-shirt again…until Mr. Kennedy debuted because he had my last name and had a sweet gimmick of screaming our name into the mic…and then again when he got busted for steroids and his stuff went on sale – 90% off! You can’t pass up a deal that good. Did I mention that the last two were in my early twenties? Can’t decide if that’s something I should be sharing out loud but it happened, so there it is.

So let’s just get this straight, I equated having a child at 16 to raising a dog at 26, made a joke about Ben Affleck, and talked for 10 minutes about wrestling? Yup, that sounds like a blog post to me. And if you didn’t like it, maybe you’ll enjoy this? No? Well…damn.

Either way, If you’re still reading this after the grammatical errors, the nonsensical tangents, poorly worded jokes, sophomoric humor, and pop culture references then you deserve a medal…or a t-shirt. Hey! By the way, T-Shirts are right around the corner – no farce! We at Sometimes I Talk Out Loud truly appreciate the support. Come hell, high water, puppy bite marks, and citations for public urination we’re back to weekly updates and I won’t be using the ice cream apology any more.

Your Favorite,
Cody

Puttin' On The Ritz - 2

Me: Hey Chef want kind of cheese is on the macaroni and cheese?
Chef: (Looks around goofily) *Makes jerking off motion*
Me: ........

-In Chad We Trust

Re: Sheer Jealousy

I will counter Cody's story with one of my own, one he was semi involved with. In his glorious fashion:

**Spoiler: My face wreaked of sweat and it was all I could smell for hours**

Our family had taken an outing to a Royals game and after the game they gave kids the opportunity to run the bases. So naturally Cody and myself begged our parents to let us do this. They agreed so we excitedly get in line and wait our turn to run the bases. This isn't anything fancy, after all, we are just literally running around the basepath but to us kids it was amazing.

Waiting for us at home plate was the mascot Slugger , who had recently been introduced. Running bases + Slugger = childhood memory.......right? Yes but for the wrong reason.

Get off the basepath if you see this bastard

Cody goes first and I follow. We are kind of racing around the bases and I keep up for the most part. Slugger is high-fiving all the kids the cross home plate, and Cody finishes first. Cody is several inches taller than me and the kid behind me must have been taller than me as well because I didn't get a high-five. As Slugger high-fives Cody, I follow a step or two behind him but Slugger just raises his hand higher and BAM! I got clotheslined by Slugger, while not knocking my off my feet my head snapped back by taking a wristband to the face. My face wreaked of sweat and it was all I could smell for hours.

-In Chad We Trust 

....?

"I had his semen shipped from Kentucky."

Some woman said that the other day at work. Over a microphone. Being completely serious.

-In Chad We Trust

Sheer Jealousy

Have you ever noticed that the best stories always start off with “I remember one time when I was like 6 or 7…”? Those stories are always the most off the wall, nonsensical, WTF moments that get burned into our brains. The events never really make sense as a 6 year old but you constantly relive the memory in your head years later to try and make sense of it and it still doesn’t ever really seem to make sense. You might even bring it up to your parents or other friends and they don’t get why it happened but all they can do is laugh. The cycle then spreads to them and they constantly think of the event and wonder, “what in the blue hell was that about”. Sometimes if you get extremely lucky and the other person has a good story you get insanely jealous that it didn’t happen to you. It’s always some crazy story like Prince came to town to play a set but he wound up giving you a ride home in his purple limo and crashing on your couch. People have a hard time believing such a story but once you buy into the facts and evidence you just stew in jealousy. If you’re anything like me, a good story will get you distracted from the rest of your day and you just can’t focus because the story was so good. You just dissect the thing like you were watching the Zapruder film – back and to the left…back and to the left. I recently heard the most amazing story from a Creeper and it literally has changed my life, completely reorganized everything about my Bucket List. The story is so good that I’ve got to ruin the ending, rewind to the beginning, and push play.

***SPOILER ALERT***

When she was 6 or 7 years old (of course it was), a hobo locked her in a store window display for 4 hours.

***

Amazing right? Are you freaking kidding me, locked in a display window by a hobo? Is anyone else besides me insanely jealous? No? That’s just me? My new goal in life is to spend an afternoon in a display window with the mannequins, maybe play some beach ball with the board shorts at Old Navy, maybe ride a speed boat at Bass Pro Shop with my mannequin family, hell, I could just sit in the window, skip and gallivant about like it was my apartment tricking everyone who walked by into thinking that they were the crazy ones for looking at me – who knows, the sky’s the limit. This story got me so jealous that the rest of my night was spent absolutely seething. And here we go…

Her parents owned some shops on the Plaza in Kansas City and her siblings had to work on the weekends. One of the ventures was a coffee shop and her mother would be a Good Samaritan (or as the rest of us call it - an enabler) and give the homeless people coffee and pastries from time to time. Which, is there anything more unsettling than a hopped up hobo? One of the hobos grew to fall in love with her mother. I feel like he should be aptly named Curly Joe. Curly Joe hated her father because, naturally, he was married to the object of his affection and she gave him caffeinated beverages and sugary treats.

One day, our fellow Creeper was told to change out the display for Thanksgiving in one of the store windows while her father tended another store. As she put away the pumpkins and placed cornucopias into the window unsupervised, (which by the way, who in the blue hell came up with cornucopias? Did the pilgrims store actual fruit and goodies in them? Remember having to make that crap in grade school and then bringing your ‘work of art’ home forcing your parents to make it the centerpiece on Thanksgiving? You'd glue runts and other candy inside this turd looking 'corunucopia'. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous) Curly Joe came by to panhandle for goodies…or accost the mother, either way; Curly Joe reared his scraggly-bearded mug. Seeing her in the display case, he strolled up to the window and without saying a single word slammed the glass door shut and turned the key. In a move that made him a complete heel, he slowly walked backwards shrugging as if to say “what are you gonna do about it now”. Now our hero in this story did not panic, did not fret because she knew help would be around soon – 4 hours soon. The keys were in the lock on the door so it was just a matter of time – 4 hours matter of time. The ultimate slap in the face of all of this would be the fact that he would have to walk by the window on the sidewalk. At that point, he might as well have done a DX crotch chop and given an epic Hollywood Hogan 2 minute rant and Eric Bischoff holds the mic. As 4 hours crawled by, she did what any 6 year old does and sat patiently Indian Style criss cross apple sauce and watched people walk by. Her dad came back and let her out and all was fine and dandy. Curly Joe got away with it because after all, he was a hobo.

I seriously can’t be the only one jealous of this right? I would love to do a blog from inside a display case, hanging out in a robe and slippers just drinking coffee as if I was in my own living room. This would work out well in a home décor store and might actually be good for business, I’m an asset people. When shirts get printed, I’m pretty sure Creeper Maria gets first dibs on one for this incredible tale.

Cleaning house

-          Happy Birthday Jenni!

-          Still looking for a June 15^th Holiday name

-          If you have any good links, stories, or prank videos, let me know

Until next time.

Your favorite,

Cody

I Hate My Feet

I don't expect you guys to understand it, but I'd be fine with having wooden boxes instead of my feet. Does this mean I hate all feet? No. But because Cody so politely reminded me, ("You and your corpse feet" I believe was his exact quote.) I've just had to air this grievance.

"But Chad, why do you hate your feet so? What could have possibly happened to make you think this way?". In my 7th grade gym class, as all good stories start out, we were all changed to go swimming. Everyone was sitting in their rows just waiting for the teach to take us to the pool. As we're sitting, the kid across from me, Danny Rash, says to me, "Your feet look like they belong on a dead guy's body."

-In Chad We Trust

Valentine's Day Hodgepodge

It's Valentine's Day and that means a few things;

1. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon on Bravo
2. Your girl will make you watch The Bachelor
3. If you are a girl, you received flowers because your gentleman is 'original'
4. Single people hang out with other single people so they don't have to be by themselves

What did I do on Valentine's Day you ask? None of the above. I fully intended on being productive and going to the gym, updating the blog, and meeting up with a few friends. In lieu of anything productive, I made myself a sandwich, sat on the couch, fell asleep and woke up at 9:30 to this. What's confusing is before WWE RAW kicked off, the Westminster Dog Show was on and I know for a fact I did not watch it. Needless to say it's been a confusing night. It's almost as confusing as the time I dreamt I was in Mario Kart. Or when I found out Justin Beiber and Oklahoma State football coach use each other as ring tones. Or why ESPN would put a camera on both Frank Martin and Bill Self for the KU/KSU game and keep the split screen on for the duration of the game. All very defining moments of confusion. A couple of quick updates to clear up any of your confusion -I am in the process of getting price quotes on T-shirts for The Creepers, be sure to pledge your allegiance and you'll receive one of the first ones off the line. Thanks again for wasting your time reading Sometimes I Talk Out Loud. Sooner or later, I'll have a contest and a giveaway associated with said t-shirts. More updates to come.

Since it is Valentine's Day, I suppose I'll let you in on a little story of love - brotherly love. Lately it seems that anytime Chad or myself are around one another, we punch each other in the ribs. Not just a love tap, but a full punch. I'm sure he'll tell you that that I started it which is probably true but it's escalated now and I'm not sure how to bring it down a notch. I'm a habitual napper which leaves me prone on the couch. Last Sunday, I was asleep in my mom's basement and I had no sooner woken up when Chad sprinted down the last three steps and slugged me in the ribs. This incited a small riot which ended in us just getting winded and trying UFC holds making fools of ourselves. So my first challenge to The Creepers is that whoever reads this (or is it whomever?), I urge you to give Chad a nice friendly jab in the ribs. Nothing too painful, but something that says "To Chad with love". To sweeten the deal, if you record it and send me the video, I'll post it on here along with a picture of you holding the first t-shirt. Nothing personal Chad, just thought it would be a fun little game. I'm sure you'll knock the wind out of me sooner or later and we'll be even.

To the dozens (and dozens) of Creepers out there, this post was short and sweet but we'll have another one coming up shortly.Until next time.

Your favorite,
Cody

Just because I'm a Knicks fan (and I supported the Landry Fields draft pick)

As per request - www.damnautocorrect.com (Thanks Jayme)

Did you know The Rock came back to WWE tonight? Good thing I woke up when I did - enjoy.

Running Rambling - Second Half

Welcome back. Hopefully you haven't completely written this blog off as complete bullocks yet, but glad you're back...all 6 of you. Here's a little something for trudging through with me, enjoy.
18:50 Second Half - Ubel just fouled Morningstar while he was shooting a 3. Thankfully it missed so we didn't have to deal with something like this. Only down by 5 right now (44-39) so let's see if the Huskers can change their luck.
15:40 Second Half - Terrible call against Diaz blocking Morris' shot. The fans are seething and I can't tell if it's because of the call or the fact that Nebraska never has figured out how to play basketball at a Division I level. It's probably because our inefficiency that has caused me to never truly embrace college basketball and just be a fan of the NBA. Down by 11 no and I'm pretty sure most of Lawrence has started the Rock Chalk Chant.
14:38 Second Half - OK, seriously let's talk about something for a second - what in the blue hell is up with the horn/horn operator?! Not only does it sound like it was borrowed from the local YMCA but the operator sounds like he really wants to get involved in the game and be a prominent feature - "do you remember that game the horn wouldn't stop blowing? Yeah dude, totally me". As far as I'm concerned, this will be my main focal point of the game. Pretty soon he's going to be playing 'shave and a hair cut - two bits' with the damn thing. Nice catch Evan and Jayme, you both appreciate the simple things like myself. So here's a video for you.
13:43 Second Half - It's been about a minute and I've heard 19 horn blows. This might be my new favorite betting game involving Nebraska basketball. I think the over/under is set at 119.5, who's in?
10:55 Second Half - Kansas is up by 11 and the horn operator is going gangbusters. It's comparable to the kids in the late 90's/early 2000's that brought laser pointers to WWE shows and ruined every shoot and interview, as well as Kane's retinas. I wish I could find a video that really encompassed this but, I've been searching to no alas. You'll just have to take my word for it as I've let you down. I feel like I need to make a Tim Tebow promise to make up for it. It won't happen again, Creeper nation.
6:55 Second Half - I can't lie, I'm starting to run out of steam blogging about a live game but I'm going to push through, to fulfill my promise. The game has most definitely started to slip away as it's a 16 point KU lead at this time. Couldn't say I didn't see this coming but at least I know that if you are reading this, I'm not alone in wasting time watching the game.
3:55 Second Half - We're getting dangerously close to a 20-point blowout here and I'm half expecting the traveling KU faithful to start the Rock Chalk Chant anytime now. After a made Nebraska free throw, we just have 3 horn blows. If this was a kept stat, I'm pretty sure Nebraska would lead the nation. For a conservative state, we're pretty liberal with the horn. We use the horn like the refs used the whistle during the Malice at the Palace when Ron Artest went into the stands.
2:22 Second Half - Two weeks ago, Kansas Forward Thomas Robinson lost his 38-year old mother to a heart attack. It's a sad story for anyone but it makes it worse he's in the national spotlight trying to recover. The Jayhawks have a patch on their jerseys in remembrance toward Robinson's mother and during free throws I've seen three players pat their chest where the patch is as a symbol of strength in family. Pretty touching tribute and I just wanted to point out the respect.

While there is still a minute or so left in the game, I'm ending it here. The last 2 minutes of any basketball game takes about 20 real time minutes and I have to get off my keester and get to the grocery store. Thanks to the 6 of you that read along, keep the emails/texts/messages coming. I'll give you shout outs and post any (appropriate) videos. Until next time.

Your Favorite,
Cody

Running Rambling - First Half

What's up my Creeps? Today I felt like doing something special and we'll see if it comes to fruition but I'm originally from Nebraska and wound up going to The University of Kansas. I will always bleed scarlet and cream for the Huskers because I don't switch my allegiance. You dance with the girl that brought you as far as I'm concerned. Because of some summer shenanigans, Nebraska will be taking it's talents to the Big Ten (12, right? No Ten) next season and today is the last regular season conference game between the Huskers and the Jayhawks. I figured what better way to celebrate this occasion with a real-time running rambling. There's a good chance the game will be a blowout and at that time it could make this idea inane...much like any other idea I've ever had, so here we go...
20:00 First Half - Nebraska wins the tip. Three of Nebraska's starters are wearing knee high socks which seems like a great idea. It's a classy look and really says "we play great 1950's basketball". We might have a chance based on the fact that we look like Keith Van Horn...oh wait...turnover and now we're down 2-0, there goes the shut-out.
18:32 First Half - Doug Funny, no wait, I mean Brady Morningstar burries a three. 5-0. At this point, I'm making a grocery list. Is there any worst time to need to go to the grocery store than Super Bowl weekend? I literally have no food in my house and my lunch consisted of Ritz crackers and cheese with a dessert of popcorn. I'm making a list as I'm typing but dreading going to the store. Going to the grocery store is on my top 5 Least Favorite Activities list right above working on the weekends.
15:39 First Half - Nebraska is down 9-8 and they are looking like a team with good energy and motivation. It's also 3:11pm which reminds me of the band from Omaha. Remember when they were not so drugged out? That was fun except for all the alien overtones on their self titled album kind of made me nervous because of my full-fledged belief in aliens. I thought they knew something I didn't about upcoming events. Remember right after New Years when all those birds were dropping from the sky and the fish were dying in Arkansas? It gave me a creepy feeling that alien spaceships were cloaked with invisibility and birds had flown into the ships like in Signs and The Happening. I listened to 311 a lot that week while wearing a foil hat. If I go missing next week, please let everyone know that it was the work of aliens.
11:17 First Half - KU just called a time out after Nebraska went on a 7 point run to make it 20-17. I know I've been doing a lot of joking about 6 people reading this blog, and yes I do appreciate the texts and messages, but I checked the stats and this past week, we had 104 new page views which is truly amazing. I hope to keep bringing you new and interesting ideas along with a few laughs. I'm dedicated to wasting my time  updating this blog weekly with new randomness so I hope you're all ready my Creeps. Keep checking back weekly and spreading the word. As always, contact me here or here.
9:02 First Half - Double Technical assessed on McMorris from KU and Diaz from Nebraska. Just like Morris and my buddy Scotty, I am not a fan of most European players, especially Spaniards. They seem to be the biggest floppers (See Ricky Rubio and Pau Gasol). Maybe a hug would smooth things over except that halfway through the hug, Diaz would be on the floor from too much contact.
6:05 First Half - I can honestly say that I do not like doing running diaries of sports as I'm sure you're tired of reading it. By the time I think of something interesting, I have to update the action. Almeida (#32 on Nebraska) is a big lackadaisical presence in the middle. It's only fitting that he's wearing high socks and gets winded after three trips up the court. Like I said, they have been inspired by Keith Van Horn, which I'm convinced is a bad sign. I think if there was ever a video you'd want to play on the jumbo tron to inspire a comeback for your team, it would most definitely be this, right? I'm inspired. Do work.
Half Time - After a hard fought first half, the score is 42-34, KU. Since I need to do something productive today and I'm still delaying the grocery store run, I'm going to take out the garbage and unload the dishwasher. During the halftime break, feel free to check this out. Be back shortly.

Your Favorite,
Cody

I've Seen a Man Eat His Lunch With a Screwdriver

1. He was eating some sort of microwavable pasta dish with it
2. The screwdriver itself looked it had been used to scrape paint all day
3. It was at a gun show

-In Chad We Trust

Puttin' On The Ritz

As Cody mentioned, I'd been Favre-ing it but I've made a comeback. Only you'll get no penis pictures from me....unless on request. 

Anyway back to the point at hand: For those of you followers (and/or creepers) who don't know I'm a manager at a banquet hall looking over the severs and kitchen staff alike to make sure events run as smoothly as possible. Occasionally there are glitches in that system and this is one of them.

One of the serves needed to know if there was gluten in the ranch dressing, so I went to our head chef (who makes the ranch dressing by his own recipe) and we had the following conversation:

Me: Hey chef, is there gluten in the ranch dressing?
Chef: Uhhhh….there’s gluten in the uhhh mayo….isn’t there? (Asking me)
Me: ......Well that’s why I asked you.
Chef: Uhhhh…ummm….

And that was my answer. I guess I should've expected this being how the same man cut his thumb off with a deli meat slicer.

-In Chad We Trust

The Art of Crop Dusting

The hardest part of updating is thinking of an interesting way to start things off. I’m never sure to try and be funny, quote Christian Cage and call all 6 of you ‘my peeps’, or just act like the last entry didn’t end. Either way, I guess I could start things off by cleaning house a bit with a few shoutouts:

1.       First and foremost congrats to my friends Beth and Brock on their new baby boy. Neither of them are part of the 6 of you that read but congrats anyway

2.       This blog is shared by Chad and me. Check the signature at the end for whose entry it was. It’s not really a big deal at all but I got a few messages offering up to tase me from his Sept. 16 ‘Bucket List’ entry. Please refer all tasing requests to him. I’m not sure if he’ll return to blogging but let’s hope he just doesn’t Brett Favre us and keep us waiting…or text pictures of his junk…or wear Crocs.

3.       I see that we have two followers so far. In lieu of calling you ‘followers’ (because it sounds like we’re waiting for Heaven’s Gate, don’t forget your Nike’s), we’re going to call our readers The Creepers. In addition, one of The Creepers left a comment and corrected me – it’s not a possum, it’s an opossum. So Whitney, here’s something for you. I hope you’re happy, that was literally the worst moment of my life. Why “The Creepers”? I just think it would be pretty sweet if I gave away shirts that said “I’m a Creeper”. Stay tuned.

4.       The countdown to June 15^th, 2011 has begun. If you don’t know what happens on noon that day, I’ll encourage you to look back and read. It’ll be the most epic day of the year. Will and Caite seemed to have partnered up. Wait, they never said that and I just made an inference? Yup, welcome to The Creeps Caite. Anyway, Will – recreate the volleyball from Top Gun and you’re in. We need a name for the June 15^th, 2011 so submit ideas to here or here.  The best idea gets something awesome, much like the Nerf Crotch Bat. Good luck, my creeps! Wow, that actually worked out a lot better than I thought it would…

Greetings from Wichita! That’s right; I’ve taken my talents to South Kansas to blog from a conference for my job. Thanks to the epic Snopacalypse, I’ve been sent a day early with nothing to do. Four days in the great city of Wichita and I couldn’t be more excited. Since I was sent early, I skipped breakfast to beat the snow. I stopped at a McDonald’s to snack on a McRibb to assure that in a few hours, I would be full AND feel like I was about to die, win-win. Upon checking in to the hotel, there is a concierge (Creeper Allison who works in the hotel industry, swears that she is a desk attendant but it’s my blog – she’s a concierge. Allison also believes that it’s “legal to be married in Kansas at the age of 18…I mean 14” since we are so backwards) here who wouldn’t leave me alone with Wichita tidbits and facts. I’m going to call her Concierge Marie.  She’s very nice and just doing her job but there’s 3 inches of ice and up to 15 inches of snow on the way, let’s be honest, I’m stuck in my room and at classes for conferences. I’m not venturing anywhere. After I was checked into my room, I made it all the way up to the 7^th floor (room 712 by the way. I’m by the elevator so it gets more foot traffic) and realized I had left my phone in the car. I went back downstairs and had to walk by the concierge desk where Concierge Marie stopped me, “Did you find your room ok?” Judging by the fact that I was sans baggage, yes I had found it. She proceeded to tell me what the conference would entail for the next four days in descriptive detail. About 2 minutes into her novel, the McRibb had started working its magic and I felt a little percolation a-brewing. She asked if she could show me where the conference areas were to be held and in the interest of being polite I said sure since it was on the way to the parking garage.  I got my cell phone from the car and knew it was a matter of time before I was about to let a McToot. I headed back towards the elevator and of course ran into Concierge Marie again. She got my attention by asking “would you like to see something amazing?” Dammit, she knows my weakness – amazing things. As I neared the desk, the McToot was McLeaving my body and knew that this could be an epic crop dust. She gave me an informational flier on the biggest shark in the world which is housed in Wichita. At this point, I don’t feel bad that I SBD’d the front desk and the three employees because a large shark is in fact not awesome. Like Dane Cook, I want to punch one in the face. At this point I paid heed of the crop dusting rules:

1.       Wait 10 seconds post dusting to let the aroma filter through the britches

2.       Once you walk away do NOT look back

3.       It helps to have a neutral third party observe from a distance in case you want to hear about the aftermath but do NOT look back

4.       Celebrate privately unless the victim was friends, family, or library readers. Otherwise maintain a safe distance, and then party like its 1999.

At this point I waited the standard 10 and made a b-line for the elevators. I kept laughing to myself the whole walk because I’m a 12 year old kid stuck in a 25 year old body, like Tom Hanks in Big. Only Zoltar didn’t grant me that wish, I’m just living that dream. I made it to inside the elevator doors and as they were closing, I looked up and broke rules 2-4. I went against the Crop Code and made direct eye contact while smiling with Concierge Marie. Let’s just say, the front desk staff knows that the McRibb is back. Until next time.

Your favorite,

Cody – and he’s always going to be there for you

Back Again

And so here we are. Apparently I took a 4 month hiatus unannounced.Well guess what, I'm back and it feels great. I felt it was time to dust off the blog and actually be diligent about it. I feel like it's time that I do a weekly post maybe throw in a contest or two, bring guest bloggers in, post pictures, and who knows, actually bring something to the table - MAYBE. The time is right for something new...or in this case something new that was already in existence for a month and was neglected only to be revived. So what better way to kick it off with what is the first installment of "Spit Ballin'". (Side note, I just had to call my buddy Hogan for this word, props).

- It sends shivers down my spine when I see a possum in the road at night and it bothers me late into the night. Possums scare me
- If there was ever a more unique time it would most definitely have to be the 90's. Gangsta rap meant shooting your former friends and then dressing up like this but then showing up to court like this while moonlighting as a poet, actor, and ballet dancer.
- Wet bread ruins my day. Even if it's a lone piece left behind from a picnic and it's slightly moist, it really just bums me out. If I was a duck, I don't know if I could ever truly be happy. People would toss your bread directly into the water and expect you to be happy.
- If you have red hair, I'm sorry, but I just want to pat you on the shoulder and say "It's OK, not everyone can be good at basketball"
- What ever happened to Lee Dungarees? Those were a reputable brand in the denim game. Speaking of denim, has anything fallen off the planet faster than carpenter jeans with the hammer loop? I have yet to see a carpenter wear them. Anyone know a carpenter that wears them? Let me know.
- Home Depot makes me want to break things. I recently went with my buddies Evan and Hogan and the entire time that we were there I kept thinking to myself "Wow, that's a great deal on overhead lighting. I want to hit it with a hammer"
- It bugs me when people end their sentences with 'ever'. It makes the sentence feel pretentious.
- 3 South was the best MTV show until Teen Mom. Ed was the man . The opening credits had a road cone with a tube sock on top of it. When I moved out to go to college, Chad gave me a replica and it was the best gift ever. See, didn't that sound pretentious?
- I find myself caring more about uniforms than ever before. If you feel the way I do, then this site is for you http://www.uniwatchblog.com/
- Do you remember The Darkness? They were fun right?
- Things that our kids will never get to enjoy; ordering CD's from Columbia House, CD's in general, Duck Hunt, standard definition television, floppy disks, blowing on a video game to make it work, encyclopedias, writing checks to yourself to get cash out of the bank, paper maps, rotary telephones, cursive writing, not knowing who was actually calling you, proper punctuation and learning proper punctuation rules without autocorrect, and sending away film to be developed.
- I would be much more offended if during trash talk someone called me a 'ninny' than a 'bitch'. I think the b-word has lost it's luster and spot along the other naughty words. Speaking of bad words, why is 'hole' bleeped on television when calling someone an a-hole? Shouldn't 'ass' be bleeped?

That's all I've got for tonight. I'm really feeling a grilled cheese sandwich right now. If you all have any ideas, stories, comments, video of the week suggestion - let me know. Until next week (do people say that anymore? Either way, that's how I'm ending every blog from now on - a sentence fragment).

Your Favorite,
Cody
Here's your video of the week: Turn it up really loud - you're welcome