First off, its really hard to call this a "hookup" because I don't know what you call a situation where one person is the only person interested.
It was dollar beer night (as I'm sure a lot of bad bar stories start) and me and several of my cohorts decided to partake in the fun. As the night is starting to wear down I apparently caught the attention of one of my friend's coworkers, whom she had brought along. The feeling wasn't mutual.
Girl: "I lykee that shuurrt...you looook cute" *crooked and slurred smile*
Me: "Uhh...thanks."
Girl: "You wanna take a ssshot??"
Me: "Uhhh...sure?" (The logic wasn't perfect that night)
So after a $15 shot of Patron (again, the logic wasn't perfect) drunkie grabs my junk and kisses me. Allow me to back up a second. The only conversation I had with this girl the entire night was "Hey, what's you name again?" before we went out hours ago. I literally do not know this girl at all but something in her mind thought 'You should totally grab this guys balls.' Somehow I was appointed the drunk babysitter so she was now my problem.
Back at the friend's apartment everyone is ready for bed. Mistake #1 was drinking just enough to where I shouldn't drive so I had to stay at my friend's apartment. So my friend and I shared a bed (no funny business) and all the while everyone is trying to sleep Miss Drunk Pants keeps going room to room trying to talk to people. She eventually collapses somewhere in the living room and everyone gets to sleep.
My friend wakes up at 5am because she has to go to work and I get up with her just to make sure she has everything. "Where is that one girl?" My friend asks because there is a vacant spot where a drunk girl once occupied. I had just assumed she went into another room and paid no attention. My friend leaves and I go back to bed. I hear the front door open a few minutes later and thinking my friend forgot something I get up to see. Mistake #2 was getting up.
Guess who walks in the door holding a beer (no idea where she got it) and wearing my flannel shirt and my shoes. After a brief conversation I go back to bed. Mistake #3 was not locking the door. Drunkie comes into the room, flops on the bed and blurts out "Time for bed!!" and rips off her clothes. I proceed to get up and grab my shoes and shirt and place them in the other room. Mistake #4 was coming back to bed. My thought was she's got to pass out sometime soon, there's no way she can still be awake for much longer. (Mistake #5)
The girl proceeds to roll me over and start trying to make out with me. I manage to wiggle out of it but our lips made contact which was not a pleasant feeling.
The following conversation is 100% true:
Girl: "Baby...baby...you should have sex with me."
Me: "I don't have any protection and I like to be safe"
Girl: *Pulls me in really close* "You don't have to be safe in my mouth."
----RED FLAG----
I don't remember what I said to dodge that nasty bullet but it worked.....for a minute. I roll back over thinking this mess has to be over. Again, I start to hear the town drunk call me baby and she starts humping me. Never being put in this situation I do the only thing I can possibly think to do.
I start to fake snore which to my surprise works. She falls asleep, I fall asleep scared penis and all.
-In Chad We Trust
ps - I later found out she peed in the bed
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