Have you ever noticed that the best stories always start off with “I remember one time when I was like 6 or 7…”? Those stories are always the most off the wall, nonsensical, WTF moments that get burned into our brains. The events never really make sense as a 6 year old but you constantly relive the memory in your head years later to try and make sense of it and it still doesn’t ever really seem to make sense. You might even bring it up to your parents or other friends and they don’t get why it happened but all they can do is laugh. The cycle then spreads to them and they constantly think of the event and wonder, “what in the blue hell was that about”. Sometimes if you get extremely lucky and the other person has a good story you get insanely jealous that it didn’t happen to you. It’s always some crazy story like Prince came to town to play a set but he wound up giving you a ride home in his purple limo and crashing on your couch. People have a hard time believing such a story but once you buy into the facts and evidence you just stew in jealousy. If you’re anything like me, a good story will get you distracted from the rest of your day and you just can’t focus because the story was so good. You just dissect the thing like you were watching the Zapruder film – back and to the left…back and to the left. I recently heard the most amazing story from a Creeper and it literally has changed my life, completely reorganized everything about my Bucket List. The story is so good that I’ve got to ruin the ending, rewind to the beginning, and push play.
***SPOILER ALERT***
When she was 6 or 7 years old (of course it was), a hobo locked her in a store window display for 4 hours.
***
Amazing right? Are you freaking kidding me, locked in a display window by a hobo? Is anyone else besides me insanely jealous? No? That’s just me? My new goal in life is to spend an afternoon in a display window with the mannequins, maybe play some beach ball with the board shorts at Old Navy, maybe ride a speed boat at Bass Pro Shop with my mannequin family, hell, I could just sit in the window, skip and gallivant about like it was my apartment tricking everyone who walked by into thinking that they were the crazy ones for looking at me – who knows, the sky’s the limit. This story got me so jealous that the rest of my night was spent absolutely seething. And here we go…
Her parents owned some shops on the Plaza in Kansas City and her siblings had to work on the weekends. One of the ventures was a coffee shop and her mother would be a Good Samaritan (or as the rest of us call it - an enabler) and give the homeless people coffee and pastries from time to time. Which, is there anything more unsettling than a hopped up hobo? One of the hobos grew to fall in love with her mother. I feel like he should be aptly named Curly Joe. Curly Joe hated her father because, naturally, he was married to the object of his affection and she gave him caffeinated beverages and sugary treats.
One day, our fellow Creeper was told to change out the display for Thanksgiving in one of the store windows while her father tended another store. As she put away the pumpkins and placed cornucopias into the window unsupervised, (which by the way, who in the blue hell came up with cornucopias? Did the pilgrims store actual fruit and goodies in them? Remember having to make that crap in grade school and then bringing your ‘work of art’ home forcing your parents to make it the centerpiece on Thanksgiving? You'd glue runts and other candy inside this turd looking 'corunucopia'. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous) Curly Joe came by to panhandle for goodies…or accost the mother, either way; Curly Joe reared his scraggly-bearded mug. Seeing her in the display case, he strolled up to the window and without saying a single word slammed the glass door shut and turned the key. In a move that made him a complete heel, he slowly walked backwards shrugging as if to say “what are you gonna do about it now”. Now our hero in this story did not panic, did not fret because she knew help would be around soon – 4 hours soon. The keys were in the lock on the door so it was just a matter of time – 4 hours matter of time. The ultimate slap in the face of all of this would be the fact that he would have to walk by the window on the sidewalk. At that point, he might as well have done a DX crotch chop and given an epic Hollywood Hogan 2 minute rant and Eric Bischoff holds the mic. As 4 hours crawled by, she did what any 6 year old does and sat patiently Indian Style criss cross apple sauce and watched people walk by. Her dad came back and let her out and all was fine and dandy. Curly Joe got away with it because after all, he was a hobo.
I seriously can’t be the only one jealous of this right? I would love to do a blog from inside a display case, hanging out in a robe and slippers just drinking coffee as if I was in my own living room. This would work out well in a home décor store and might actually be good for business, I’m an asset people. When shirts get printed, I’m pretty sure Creeper Maria gets first dibs on one for this incredible tale.
Cleaning house
- Happy Birthday Jenni!
- Still looking for a June 15th Holiday name
- If you have any good links, stories, or prank videos, let me know
Until next time.
Your favorite,
Cody
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