Sheer Jealousy

Have you ever noticed that the best stories always start off with “I remember one time when I was like 6 or 7…”? Those stories are always the most off the wall, nonsensical, WTF moments that get burned into our brains. The events never really make sense as a 6 year old but you constantly relive the memory in your head years later to try and make sense of it and it still doesn’t ever really seem to make sense. You might even bring it up to your parents or other friends and they don’t get why it happened but all they can do is laugh. The cycle then spreads to them and they constantly think of the event and wonder, “what in the blue hell was that about”. Sometimes if you get extremely lucky and the other person has a good story you get insanely jealous that it didn’t happen to you. It’s always some crazy story like Prince came to town to play a set but he wound up giving you a ride home in his purple limo and crashing on your couch. People have a hard time believing such a story but once you buy into the facts and evidence you just stew in jealousy. If you’re anything like me, a good story will get you distracted from the rest of your day and you just can’t focus because the story was so good. You just dissect the thing like you were watching the Zapruder film – back and to the left…back and to the left. I recently heard the most amazing story from a Creeper and it literally has changed my life, completely reorganized everything about my Bucket List. The story is so good that I’ve got to ruin the ending, rewind to the beginning, and push play.

***SPOILER ALERT***

When she was 6 or 7 years old (of course it was), a hobo locked her in a store window display for 4 hours.

***

Amazing right? Are you freaking kidding me, locked in a display window by a hobo? Is anyone else besides me insanely jealous? No? That’s just me? My new goal in life is to spend an afternoon in a display window with the mannequins, maybe play some beach ball with the board shorts at Old Navy, maybe ride a speed boat at Bass Pro Shop with my mannequin family, hell, I could just sit in the window, skip and gallivant about like it was my apartment tricking everyone who walked by into thinking that they were the crazy ones for looking at me – who knows, the sky’s the limit. This story got me so jealous that the rest of my night was spent absolutely seething. And here we go…

Her parents owned some shops on the Plaza in Kansas City and her siblings had to work on the weekends. One of the ventures was a coffee shop and her mother would be a Good Samaritan (or as the rest of us call it - an enabler) and give the homeless people coffee and pastries from time to time. Which, is there anything more unsettling than a hopped up hobo? One of the hobos grew to fall in love with her mother. I feel like he should be aptly named Curly Joe. Curly Joe hated her father because, naturally, he was married to the object of his affection and she gave him caffeinated beverages and sugary treats.

One day, our fellow Creeper was told to change out the display for Thanksgiving in one of the store windows while her father tended another store. As she put away the pumpkins and placed cornucopias into the window unsupervised, (which by the way, who in the blue hell came up with cornucopias? Did the pilgrims store actual fruit and goodies in them? Remember having to make that crap in grade school and then bringing your ‘work of art’ home forcing your parents to make it the centerpiece on Thanksgiving? You'd glue runts and other candy inside this turd looking 'corunucopia'. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous) Curly Joe came by to panhandle for goodies…or accost the mother, either way; Curly Joe reared his scraggly-bearded mug. Seeing her in the display case, he strolled up to the window and without saying a single word slammed the glass door shut and turned the key. In a move that made him a complete heel, he slowly walked backwards shrugging as if to say “what are you gonna do about it now”. Now our hero in this story did not panic, did not fret because she knew help would be around soon – 4 hours soon. The keys were in the lock on the door so it was just a matter of time – 4 hours matter of time. The ultimate slap in the face of all of this would be the fact that he would have to walk by the window on the sidewalk. At that point, he might as well have done a DX crotch chop and given an epic Hollywood Hogan 2 minute rant and Eric Bischoff holds the mic. As 4 hours crawled by, she did what any 6 year old does and sat patiently Indian Style criss cross apple sauce and watched people walk by. Her dad came back and let her out and all was fine and dandy. Curly Joe got away with it because after all, he was a hobo.

I seriously can’t be the only one jealous of this right? I would love to do a blog from inside a display case, hanging out in a robe and slippers just drinking coffee as if I was in my own living room. This would work out well in a home décor store and might actually be good for business, I’m an asset people. When shirts get printed, I’m pretty sure Creeper Maria gets first dibs on one for this incredible tale.

Cleaning house

-          Happy Birthday Jenni!

-          Still looking for a June 15^th Holiday name

-          If you have any good links, stories, or prank videos, let me know

Until next time.

Your favorite,

Cody

I Hate My Feet

I don't expect you guys to understand it, but I'd be fine with having wooden boxes instead of my feet. Does this mean I hate all feet? No. But because Cody so politely reminded me, ("You and your corpse feet" I believe was his exact quote.) I've just had to air this grievance.

"But Chad, why do you hate your feet so? What could have possibly happened to make you think this way?". In my 7th grade gym class, as all good stories start out, we were all changed to go swimming. Everyone was sitting in their rows just waiting for the teach to take us to the pool. As we're sitting, the kid across from me, Danny Rash, says to me, "Your feet look like they belong on a dead guy's body."

-In Chad We Trust

Valentine's Day Hodgepodge

It's Valentine's Day and that means a few things;

1. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon on Bravo
2. Your girl will make you watch The Bachelor
3. If you are a girl, you received flowers because your gentleman is 'original'
4. Single people hang out with other single people so they don't have to be by themselves

What did I do on Valentine's Day you ask? None of the above. I fully intended on being productive and going to the gym, updating the blog, and meeting up with a few friends. In lieu of anything productive, I made myself a sandwich, sat on the couch, fell asleep and woke up at 9:30 to this. What's confusing is before WWE RAW kicked off, the Westminster Dog Show was on and I know for a fact I did not watch it. Needless to say it's been a confusing night. It's almost as confusing as the time I dreamt I was in Mario Kart. Or when I found out Justin Beiber and Oklahoma State football coach use each other as ring tones. Or why ESPN would put a camera on both Frank Martin and Bill Self for the KU/KSU game and keep the split screen on for the duration of the game. All very defining moments of confusion. A couple of quick updates to clear up any of your confusion -I am in the process of getting price quotes on T-shirts for The Creepers, be sure to pledge your allegiance and you'll receive one of the first ones off the line. Thanks again for wasting your time reading Sometimes I Talk Out Loud. Sooner or later, I'll have a contest and a giveaway associated with said t-shirts. More updates to come.

Since it is Valentine's Day, I suppose I'll let you in on a little story of love - brotherly love. Lately it seems that anytime Chad or myself are around one another, we punch each other in the ribs. Not just a love tap, but a full punch. I'm sure he'll tell you that that I started it which is probably true but it's escalated now and I'm not sure how to bring it down a notch. I'm a habitual napper which leaves me prone on the couch. Last Sunday, I was asleep in my mom's basement and I had no sooner woken up when Chad sprinted down the last three steps and slugged me in the ribs. This incited a small riot which ended in us just getting winded and trying UFC holds making fools of ourselves. So my first challenge to The Creepers is that whoever reads this (or is it whomever?), I urge you to give Chad a nice friendly jab in the ribs. Nothing too painful, but something that says "To Chad with love". To sweeten the deal, if you record it and send me the video, I'll post it on here along with a picture of you holding the first t-shirt. Nothing personal Chad, just thought it would be a fun little game. I'm sure you'll knock the wind out of me sooner or later and we'll be even.

To the dozens (and dozens) of Creepers out there, this post was short and sweet but we'll have another one coming up shortly.Until next time.

Your favorite,
Cody

Just because I'm a Knicks fan (and I supported the Landry Fields draft pick)

As per request - www.damnautocorrect.com (Thanks Jayme)

Did you know The Rock came back to WWE tonight? Good thing I woke up when I did - enjoy.

Running Rambling - Second Half

Welcome back. Hopefully you haven't completely written this blog off as complete bullocks yet, but glad you're back...all 6 of you. Here's a little something for trudging through with me, enjoy.
18:50 Second Half - Ubel just fouled Morningstar while he was shooting a 3. Thankfully it missed so we didn't have to deal with something like this. Only down by 5 right now (44-39) so let's see if the Huskers can change their luck.
15:40 Second Half - Terrible call against Diaz blocking Morris' shot. The fans are seething and I can't tell if it's because of the call or the fact that Nebraska never has figured out how to play basketball at a Division I level. It's probably because our inefficiency that has caused me to never truly embrace college basketball and just be a fan of the NBA. Down by 11 no and I'm pretty sure most of Lawrence has started the Rock Chalk Chant.
14:38 Second Half - OK, seriously let's talk about something for a second - what in the blue hell is up with the horn/horn operator?! Not only does it sound like it was borrowed from the local YMCA but the operator sounds like he really wants to get involved in the game and be a prominent feature - "do you remember that game the horn wouldn't stop blowing? Yeah dude, totally me". As far as I'm concerned, this will be my main focal point of the game. Pretty soon he's going to be playing 'shave and a hair cut - two bits' with the damn thing. Nice catch Evan and Jayme, you both appreciate the simple things like myself. So here's a video for you.
13:43 Second Half - It's been about a minute and I've heard 19 horn blows. This might be my new favorite betting game involving Nebraska basketball. I think the over/under is set at 119.5, who's in?
10:55 Second Half - Kansas is up by 11 and the horn operator is going gangbusters. It's comparable to the kids in the late 90's/early 2000's that brought laser pointers to WWE shows and ruined every shoot and interview, as well as Kane's retinas. I wish I could find a video that really encompassed this but, I've been searching to no alas. You'll just have to take my word for it as I've let you down. I feel like I need to make a Tim Tebow promise to make up for it. It won't happen again, Creeper nation.
6:55 Second Half - I can't lie, I'm starting to run out of steam blogging about a live game but I'm going to push through, to fulfill my promise. The game has most definitely started to slip away as it's a 16 point KU lead at this time. Couldn't say I didn't see this coming but at least I know that if you are reading this, I'm not alone in wasting time watching the game.
3:55 Second Half - We're getting dangerously close to a 20-point blowout here and I'm half expecting the traveling KU faithful to start the Rock Chalk Chant anytime now. After a made Nebraska free throw, we just have 3 horn blows. If this was a kept stat, I'm pretty sure Nebraska would lead the nation. For a conservative state, we're pretty liberal with the horn. We use the horn like the refs used the whistle during the Malice at the Palace when Ron Artest went into the stands.
2:22 Second Half - Two weeks ago, Kansas Forward Thomas Robinson lost his 38-year old mother to a heart attack. It's a sad story for anyone but it makes it worse he's in the national spotlight trying to recover. The Jayhawks have a patch on their jerseys in remembrance toward Robinson's mother and during free throws I've seen three players pat their chest where the patch is as a symbol of strength in family. Pretty touching tribute and I just wanted to point out the respect.

While there is still a minute or so left in the game, I'm ending it here. The last 2 minutes of any basketball game takes about 20 real time minutes and I have to get off my keester and get to the grocery store. Thanks to the 6 of you that read along, keep the emails/texts/messages coming. I'll give you shout outs and post any (appropriate) videos. Until next time.

Your Favorite,
Cody

Running Rambling - First Half

What's up my Creeps? Today I felt like doing something special and we'll see if it comes to fruition but I'm originally from Nebraska and wound up going to The University of Kansas. I will always bleed scarlet and cream for the Huskers because I don't switch my allegiance. You dance with the girl that brought you as far as I'm concerned. Because of some summer shenanigans, Nebraska will be taking it's talents to the Big Ten (12, right? No Ten) next season and today is the last regular season conference game between the Huskers and the Jayhawks. I figured what better way to celebrate this occasion with a real-time running rambling. There's a good chance the game will be a blowout and at that time it could make this idea inane...much like any other idea I've ever had, so here we go...
20:00 First Half - Nebraska wins the tip. Three of Nebraska's starters are wearing knee high socks which seems like a great idea. It's a classy look and really says "we play great 1950's basketball". We might have a chance based on the fact that we look like Keith Van Horn...oh wait...turnover and now we're down 2-0, there goes the shut-out.
18:32 First Half - Doug Funny, no wait, I mean Brady Morningstar burries a three. 5-0. At this point, I'm making a grocery list. Is there any worst time to need to go to the grocery store than Super Bowl weekend? I literally have no food in my house and my lunch consisted of Ritz crackers and cheese with a dessert of popcorn. I'm making a list as I'm typing but dreading going to the store. Going to the grocery store is on my top 5 Least Favorite Activities list right above working on the weekends.
15:39 First Half - Nebraska is down 9-8 and they are looking like a team with good energy and motivation. It's also 3:11pm which reminds me of the band from Omaha. Remember when they were not so drugged out? That was fun except for all the alien overtones on their self titled album kind of made me nervous because of my full-fledged belief in aliens. I thought they knew something I didn't about upcoming events. Remember right after New Years when all those birds were dropping from the sky and the fish were dying in Arkansas? It gave me a creepy feeling that alien spaceships were cloaked with invisibility and birds had flown into the ships like in Signs and The Happening. I listened to 311 a lot that week while wearing a foil hat. If I go missing next week, please let everyone know that it was the work of aliens.
11:17 First Half - KU just called a time out after Nebraska went on a 7 point run to make it 20-17. I know I've been doing a lot of joking about 6 people reading this blog, and yes I do appreciate the texts and messages, but I checked the stats and this past week, we had 104 new page views which is truly amazing. I hope to keep bringing you new and interesting ideas along with a few laughs. I'm dedicated to wasting my time  updating this blog weekly with new randomness so I hope you're all ready my Creeps. Keep checking back weekly and spreading the word. As always, contact me here or here.
9:02 First Half - Double Technical assessed on McMorris from KU and Diaz from Nebraska. Just like Morris and my buddy Scotty, I am not a fan of most European players, especially Spaniards. They seem to be the biggest floppers (See Ricky Rubio and Pau Gasol). Maybe a hug would smooth things over except that halfway through the hug, Diaz would be on the floor from too much contact.
6:05 First Half - I can honestly say that I do not like doing running diaries of sports as I'm sure you're tired of reading it. By the time I think of something interesting, I have to update the action. Almeida (#32 on Nebraska) is a big lackadaisical presence in the middle. It's only fitting that he's wearing high socks and gets winded after three trips up the court. Like I said, they have been inspired by Keith Van Horn, which I'm convinced is a bad sign. I think if there was ever a video you'd want to play on the jumbo tron to inspire a comeback for your team, it would most definitely be this, right? I'm inspired. Do work.
Half Time - After a hard fought first half, the score is 42-34, KU. Since I need to do something productive today and I'm still delaying the grocery store run, I'm going to take out the garbage and unload the dishwasher. During the halftime break, feel free to check this out. Be back shortly.

Your Favorite,
Cody

I've Seen a Man Eat His Lunch With a Screwdriver

1. He was eating some sort of microwavable pasta dish with it
2. The screwdriver itself looked it had been used to scrape paint all day
3. It was at a gun show

-In Chad We Trust

Puttin' On The Ritz

As Cody mentioned, I'd been Favre-ing it but I've made a comeback. Only you'll get no penis pictures from me....unless on request. 

Anyway back to the point at hand: For those of you followers (and/or creepers) who don't know I'm a manager at a banquet hall looking over the severs and kitchen staff alike to make sure events run as smoothly as possible. Occasionally there are glitches in that system and this is one of them.

One of the serves needed to know if there was gluten in the ranch dressing, so I went to our head chef (who makes the ranch dressing by his own recipe) and we had the following conversation:

Me: Hey chef, is there gluten in the ranch dressing?
Chef: Uhhhh….there’s gluten in the uhhh mayo….isn’t there? (Asking me)
Me: ......Well that’s why I asked you.
Chef: Uhhhh…ummm….

And that was my answer. I guess I should've expected this being how the same man cut his thumb off with a deli meat slicer.

-In Chad We Trust