What Would You Do Day?

What Would You Do Day?

I’m bored. Truly bored and that’s when my creativity starts flowing like 50 Tyson (back to back 50 Tyson digs – are you crazy? No sir, I’m just spreading the word about this*gifted* rapper. And yes, I chose gifted as his adjective for obvious double entendre meanings.). It’s also raining which means most people’s productivity is zero, however, mine is at an all-time high level. Do you remember that Hillary Duff song about the rain? That’s what rain makes me think of. As if this wasn’t enough to get the creative juices flowing, today is Wednesday, September 15^th. This means this hump day falls directly in the middle of the month. So, peak humpitivity will be at noon today. Mind blowing I know, right? Crazy stuff just might happen at noon if you’re lucky. I have high hopes for each and every one of you. I will be at work thinking about you – wait…that sounded wrong. If I had one goal for 2011, it would be to get lucky on June 15^th, 2011 at exactly noon. Yes, that date is really happening – directly in the middle of the year. I can’t even tell you how excited I am. I will be calling in sick that day and counting down the minutes until noon. Maybe, just maybe the stars will align and all 6 of you that read this will be at home making it rain. That would call for a massive high five or a self high five if you’re alone on that day. Sorry folks, a supreme hump day like today has gotten to me.

In other completely unrelated news, I’ve dubbed today “What Would You Do Day?” I will pose questions to myself that place myself into current events and will logically talk myself through said events. That was three “myselfs” in that past sentence and I don’t regret any of them. We’re going to bang this out press conference style (sorry, like I said, it’s gotten to me) so here we go…

Cody, what would you do if you were Reggie Bush? Would you give the trophy back?

I would get up on a podium with a black suit, black shirt – unbuttoned, and the darkest of dark sunglasses tap the microphone and say “Hey yo. The trophy is mine. I am the greatest and you posers can just back up out my grill. If you want the trophy, you can pry it from my cold, dead hands. If you want to try and take it, I’ll meet you down there (ominous point to the right). Down where you ask? Down here (insert massive crotch chop). Peace.” Then walk off stage and never say a word to the press again. And by again, I mean 10 years later when I have a sit down interview with Oprah where I weep openly about how I’m a changed man and that I would give it back if given the opportunity again. I would also have my mother on stage so I could hug her and look like a decent guy, but still would not give back the trophy.

Cody, if you were LeBron James what would you have done?

I would have had my TV show, “The Decision” from an undisclosed location somewhere underground or in a boiler room. Jim Gray would ask me, “So LeBron, what’s your decision?” and I would stand up, saying nothing of course, and tear off my nice Eddie Bauer button-up revealing a Miami Heat jersey. Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh would then come from off-screen emphatically jumping around and high fiving each other when slowly I start giving the Dikembe Mutombo finger wave and then rip off the Miami jersey only to reveal a Cleveland Cavalier jersey. Everyone would be getting clotheslines and it would end up with me putting Wade in the Scorpion Death Lock (which we all know as the sharpshooter). Jim Gray would then be joined by Tony Shiavone and Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan for post-conference analysis. Next question.

If you were Gary, how would you fix your relationship with Amber?

Simple. I would hit myself in the head with a hammer. Too violent? Fine, I would get a job a treat my future wife with respect and courtesy? Too simple? Fine, I would leave Amber because I wouldn’t be good enough for her (even though she is crazy) and be a positive influence in my daughter’s life while playing a prominent role. Too logical? Fine, then I would keep being a giant phallic and change nothing so I could land myself a spinoff series on MTV called “The Life of Gary” where I would give all access view to my life in which I would eat Cheetos from under the couch or from under my man boob (moob, if you will) and play Halo. I would never wear a shirt to increase ratings.

What would you do if you were in charge of the TV show, The Office, regarding the departure of Steve Carell?

End the series. Did you see that half-assed version of Scrubs when they brought it back? You can’t have The Office without Michael Scott just like you can’t have your cake and eat it too. What? You mean that you can have cake and eat it and that phrase makes absolutely no sense? Oh good, then NBC executives will bring back The Office next year without Steve Carell. Oh, wait…crap….

Cody, If you were the Situation or Paulie-D, would you do anything differently?

1.       I would get tested and then get tested again. After that, I would smush

2.       I would stop calling making-out ‘hooking up’ and instead call it ‘making-out’

3.       I would most definitely fist pump on Dancing with the Stars

4.       If I was Paulie, I would grow a pompadour at some point in my life and embrace the hair style like nobody’s business

Cody, what would you do if you got caught blogging while you were at work?

Well first…oh crap, I’m at work. Well folks, the creative juices are flowing but so is the workload. Hopefully noon finds you all very well. I will be sitting here at work, unless they caught me blogging…

Your favorite,

Cody