So in the past few days in all the conversations I have had I have noticed a few things about myself:
1. I quote Teen Mom far too often (Maci: I mean like, do you think we're compatible? Kyle: Pretty, a lot)
2. I can relate real life happenings to the old plots of WCW story lines
3. I can't stop singing this
song. I think I've got a nice, shall we say 'obsession' with The Gambler.
4. Somewhere near the middle of someone else's sentence, I completely tune out and think of what I wish they would be saying.
Now I know you're asking yourself, "Cody, why are you starting off your blog this way? What does this have to do with anything?" those are very good questions but I think all it really says is that I am a simple man with simple needs. Those needs are bacon, Nebraska football, hoodies, video games, professional wrestling (circa 1990-2005), naked women, movie quotes, bacon, stimulating conversation, and bacon. That's it - everything else is just gravy. I have just provided you with a window into my soul. A very cholesterol laden, delicious soul. Out of everything that was listed, one item sticks out more than the other - stimulating conversation, of course. This past weekend, while watching Nebraska football at a Minsky's and doin' work on their Prime Cut pizza, (notice that I was able to successfully mesh bacon, Nebraska football, and a third interest to be named) I found myself in the middle of a stimulating conversation (boom, there it is). A conversation that directly involved pubic hair. Do I have your attention now? No? Well, then how about
this? I met up with my mom, Karen, and step dad, Rick, to enjoy the game and pizza involving bacon. Unbeknownst to me, my mother had invited her hot, cougar police woman neighbor friend. I've seen a few adult feature films in my day, and there was always a scene involving an officer of the law and a bystander looking to get out of trouble by any means necessary. And by any means necessary, I mean by using their bodies as a form of bribery involving adult situations including, but not limited to consensual relations if you catch my drift. I digress. The said hot, cougar police woman neighbor friend had also invited a friend. I couldn't put my finger on it on who she was but she looked familiar, and I usually don't have that feeling with women in their mid 40's. We will call her Miss Tight Pants for short and to protect her identity.
Well, the beer started to flow like wine while the touchdowns started to flow like
50 Tyson when the conversation switched to the dreaded "
things my child in their mid-twenties has taught me that's inappropriate" topic where parents, in front of their child in their mid-twenties will discuss with their fellow parent friends what their child had taught them that was previously unknown, often times it is an inappropriate subject. The conversation was solely focused on my mother and Miss Tight Pants when Miss TP (for short) dropped the bomb "my son, Ed, was telling my how guys just shave
everything nowadays. I guess that's a new thing?". Right then I knew several things:
1. I went to elementary school with a kid named Ed. His mom worked at the school and we always teased Ed for saying his mom was hot. I am sitting at the table with Ed's mom. This woman is familiar because I went to grade school with Ed.
2. Ed was sent to the Principal's office for sticking a pencil into the overhead projector when he didn't want to correct math problems in front of the class. The projector broke but it was the ultimate "I'm not participating moment".
3. My mother was going to throw me into the mix of the story. I had recently had hernia surgery and my mother had found out that 'guys shave
everything nowadays' through me. Like I said we come from an interesting family that has interesting conversation topics.
4. Miss TP was going to ask me about my
'stylings' because Miss TP was new to the styling game.
The above predictions all came true (#2 thrown in there because it made me laugh when I realized Ed was her son) and as I was explaining my reasoning for 'why I make a conscientious effort to make myself look like I'm 8 again' she drops this ruby - "I mean back then we just never worried about that. We just, it was made to be that way. Now it's a whole new ballgame and you just have to keep up I guess". Then it happened. "I know, right?!" came the response from the other side of the table where my mother was sitting.I slowly turned my head not wanting to see my mother on the face of that statement but, too late - my mother agreed with the statement and used a common sorority girl phrase that's mostly used after one too many Smirnoff Ices. She had brought together two unlike things (sorority girls and mid-40 year old's trimming habits) and mashed them together in a train wreck.
Now, let me also tell you this, Ed's mom is a single mother of 4. She goes out and parties (as exhibited by the tight pants). She also just recently started to take care of her
area with modern clipping tools. It was about this time she had checked her watch and decided it was time to head out with the hot, cougar police woman neighbor friend. I made eye contact with my mother shortly after Miss Tight Pants had left and I had to look away. I know more about that generation's pubic hair from a few stimulating conversations than what I ever should know. Maybe next time, I'll just watch the game by myself...
Your favorite,
Cody
