Dirty South Education

What's up Creeps? Nothing says 'I need a blog update' like watching the 2010 Hip Hop Honors: Dirty South Edition on Palladia HD. As you can tell, it's my day off from the gym which means it's a free night with little to do. Really, what's better on a Thursday night than watching Mystikal, 2 Live Crew, and T.I. take themselves way too seriously. Actually, there's about 4,570 things better to do on a Thursday night but it's cold and I'm lazy. There was good that came of it I suppose, for instance, I found out that Bonecrusher is still alive and on the verge of diabetes, St. Louis is considered part of the 'Dirty South' despite it's geographical location, Missy Elliott still enjoys cupcakes, and when Master P says 'you know what I'm sayin', I still have no idea what he's saying. I found it odd that of all people Asher Roth was invited to the event and they even let him rap. I felt nervous the whole time like you were about to witness a Punk'd of epic porportions. I had a feeling  they invited him and made him think that they'd enjoy his company, want to hang out with him, maybe let him rap a few bars only to bring him on stage and drill him with a barage of pee filled water balloons. I literally think that would be the biggest slap in the face/oh, you got me good moment. 80% of the time when I'm invited to meet up with friends or someone at work says "hey, come check this out", I keep my guard up because I half expect a water balloon to be heading my way. If you ever see me with the 'who farted' face with squinty eyes, furrowed brow, and stepping gingerly, I either have caught a wiff of brownies, I'm confused, or I'm on alert of a pending barage of water balloons. That probably has to do with my past and water balloons which is a story for my next entry. Let's just say it ends with a juvenile criminal record and a disappointed mother.

Speaking of a disappointed mother, my mom's an absolute addict for Modern Family. Specifically, she's addicted to Eric Stonestreet's character, Cam. It's been her goal lately to have a gay friend that she can shop, cook, and grab drinks with. I think the best thing that could ever happen to my mom would be in a flash mob with a big, gay man and I mean that as the absolute truth. Ever since she saw the flash mob episode, she's been YouTubing flash mobs and has been Googling information on joining one. If anyone has any info on flash mobs or joining one, please let me know. It would allow her to die in peace with no regrets. Also, if you're a big, gay man and want to grab coffee with my mom let me know. She'll be your new BFF and be a two for one. I literally think that's the weirdest thing I've ever done - tried to set my mom up with a gay man for drinks and dancing. Until next time.

Your Favorite,

Cody

Teen Mom, WCW, puppies, and more!

And like that my hiatus ends. Sorry for the delay, I’ve found myself on the pet owner bandwagon and bought myself a puppy and have been busy watching my carpet go to crap (literally), speaking in a high pitched voice (my dog responds positively to this and have friends that can vouch), having my belongings chewed on, and waking up at 6 am to watch a dog pee. The last part isn’t so much of a complaint because for the past 3 days I’ve had to go when I took him out so we used the same bush which makes me a father of the year candidate so all in all, I’m living the dream. I will say there is something liberating about going freely outside that women will never understand the same way as men. It’s a relief to know that we can stand and our only fear is a sudden face wind.  However, it’s no excuse to leave the blog hanging. I feel like I should cuddle the 8 of you and say “I’m sorry” and that “I’ll never leave again” and then take you out for ice cream while making corny jokes in the car ride to DQ hoping you’ll forgive me with promises of insulin rattling chocolaty goodness. That’s right, I’m treating you guys like a parent who sent their kid to their room for the first time and feels bad about it afterwards. Sound good? Wanna eat some chocolate chip ice cream? Some cherries on top? Maybe a soda to wash it down? Can you hear my voice tone rising? Dear God, it’s taken me over!

Let me just say having a little dog can only be referenced to the thing that I know best – Teen Mom. Having a puppy makes me feel like I’m on an episode of Teen Mom only I don’t have an Amber to go along with it. She was charming wasn’t she? Simply delightful. I kennel Big Bocephus (yup, was listening to a lil Hank Jr. and I came up with the name) during the day when I’m at hell work so I felt bad for the first few days until last Tuesday night when I watched Teen Mom 2. I then found out that it’s basically what Jenelle does with Jace so I felt a little relieved. I’m pretty sure she feeds him a few Ritz hourly so he’s good, right? Both the Teen Moms and my predicaments were spur of the moment and unplanned, we both struggle to make time for friends because we know that a massive dump is just around the corner, and our hips will never be the same. Ok, I might have just made that last one up. Is it just me or has this season turned into the biggest train wreck this side of Gigli? Ben Affleck anyone? No? Okay, moving on. The effect that season one had with high school kids wanting babies HAS to be evened out with high schoolers wanting nothing to do with members of the opposite sex thanks to Jenelle, Kailyn, and Chelsea this year. The most redeeming quality that can be said about Jenelle is that at the very least, she’s not Chris Benoit…yet. I’m not going to lie to you, I typed that joke about 2 or 3 different ways and thought it was funny/became embarrassed about it every which way I posed it. Momma Bear does read the blog and I know what you’re thinking – “your mom is going to be disappointed in you when she reads that joke” and I say N-O. If you know anything about my family, you know that we were raised to love us some WCW. Chad and I weren’t the only ones that screamed at the top of our lungs when Benoit locked in the Crippler Crossface. Truth being told, mom was a true Jericholic and would have given her left mammary to be put in the Liontamer. And right there is where mom would be disappointed in me – sorry mom, at least I thought it was funny at the time. I’ll never forget the time my mom took us to a Monday Nitro at Kemper Arena when I was in 8th grade. Not only did I make national TV with a sign I made showing support for my main man Bret, (fast forward to 2:09 in the video and that’s me) we witnessed the return of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall (walked right down our aisle, thank you very much), and I bought a Revolution t-shirt (which consisted of Shane Douglas, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Chris Benoit) minutes before they broke up in the ring. That night I vowed to my 13 year old self that I would never buy another wrestling t-shirt again…until Mr. Kennedy debuted because he had my last name and had a sweet gimmick of screaming our name into the mic…and then again when he got busted for steroids and his stuff went on sale – 90% off! You can’t pass up a deal that good. Did I mention that the last two were in my early twenties? Can’t decide if that’s something I should be sharing out loud but it happened, so there it is.

So let’s just get this straight, I equated having a child at 16 to raising a dog at 26, made a joke about Ben Affleck, and talked for 10 minutes about wrestling? Yup, that sounds like a blog post to me. And if you didn’t like it, maybe you’ll enjoy this? No? Well…damn.

Either way, If you’re still reading this after the grammatical errors, the nonsensical tangents, poorly worded jokes, sophomoric humor, and pop culture references then you deserve a medal…or a t-shirt. Hey! By the way, T-Shirts are right around the corner – no farce! We at Sometimes I Talk Out Loud truly appreciate the support. Come hell, high water, puppy bite marks, and citations for public urination we’re back to weekly updates and I won’t be using the ice cream apology any more.

Your Favorite,
Cody

Puttin' On The Ritz - 2

Me: Hey Chef want kind of cheese is on the macaroni and cheese?
Chef: (Looks around goofily) *Makes jerking off motion*
Me: ........

-In Chad We Trust

Re: Sheer Jealousy

I will counter Cody's story with one of my own, one he was semi involved with. In his glorious fashion:

**Spoiler: My face wreaked of sweat and it was all I could smell for hours**

Our family had taken an outing to a Royals game and after the game they gave kids the opportunity to run the bases. So naturally Cody and myself begged our parents to let us do this. They agreed so we excitedly get in line and wait our turn to run the bases. This isn't anything fancy, after all, we are just literally running around the basepath but to us kids it was amazing.

Waiting for us at home plate was the mascot Slugger , who had recently been introduced. Running bases + Slugger = childhood memory.......right? Yes but for the wrong reason.

Get off the basepath if you see this bastard

Cody goes first and I follow. We are kind of racing around the bases and I keep up for the most part. Slugger is high-fiving all the kids the cross home plate, and Cody finishes first. Cody is several inches taller than me and the kid behind me must have been taller than me as well because I didn't get a high-five. As Slugger high-fives Cody, I follow a step or two behind him but Slugger just raises his hand higher and BAM! I got clotheslined by Slugger, while not knocking my off my feet my head snapped back by taking a wristband to the face. My face wreaked of sweat and it was all I could smell for hours.

-In Chad We Trust 

....?

"I had his semen shipped from Kentucky."

Some woman said that the other day at work. Over a microphone. Being completely serious.

-In Chad We Trust