The hardest part of updating is thinking of an interesting way to start things off. I’m never sure to try and be funny, quote Christian Cage and call all 6 of you ‘my peeps’, or just act like the last entry didn’t end. Either way, I guess I could start things off by cleaning house a bit with a few shoutouts:
1. First and foremost congrats to my friends Beth and Brock on their new baby boy. Neither of them are part of the 6 of you that read but congrats anyway
2. This blog is shared by Chad and me. Check the signature at the end for whose entry it was. It’s not really a big deal at all but I got a few messages offering up to tase me from his Sept. 16 ‘Bucket List’ entry. Please refer all tasing requests to him. I’m not sure if he’ll return to blogging but let’s hope he just doesn’t Brett Favre us and keep us waiting…or text pictures of his junk…or wear Crocs.
3. I see that we have two followers so far. In lieu of calling you ‘followers’ (because it sounds like we’re waiting for Heaven’s Gate, don’t forget your Nike’s), we’re going to call our readers The Creepers. In addition, one of The Creepers left a comment and corrected me – it’s not a possum, it’s an opossum. So Whitney, here’s something for you. I hope you’re happy, that was literally the worst moment of my life. Why “The Creepers”? I just think it would be pretty sweet if I gave away shirts that said “I’m a Creeper”. Stay tuned.
4. The countdown to June 15th, 2011 has begun. If you don’t know what happens on noon that day, I’ll encourage you to look back and read. It’ll be the most epic day of the year. Will and Caite seemed to have partnered up. Wait, they never said that and I just made an inference? Yup, welcome to The Creeps Caite. Anyway, Will – recreate the volleyball from Top Gun and you’re in. We need a name for the June 15th, 2011 so submit ideas to here or here. The best idea gets something awesome, much like the Nerf Crotch Bat. Good luck, my creeps! Wow, that actually worked out a lot better than I thought it would…
Greetings from Wichita! That’s right; I’ve taken my talents to South Kansas to blog from a conference for my job. Thanks to the epic Snopacalypse, I’ve been sent a day early with nothing to do. Four days in the great city of Wichita and I couldn’t be more excited. Since I was sent early, I skipped breakfast to beat the snow. I stopped at a McDonald’s to snack on a McRibb to assure that in a few hours, I would be full AND feel like I was about to die, win-win. Upon checking in to the hotel, there is a concierge (Creeper Allison who works in the hotel industry, swears that she is a desk attendant but it’s my blog – she’s a concierge. Allison also believes that it’s “legal to be married in Kansas at the age of 18…I mean 14” since we are so backwards) here who wouldn’t leave me alone with Wichita tidbits and facts. I’m going to call her Concierge Marie. She’s very nice and just doing her job but there’s 3 inches of ice and up to 15 inches of snow on the way, let’s be honest, I’m stuck in my room and at classes for conferences. I’m not venturing anywhere. After I was checked into my room, I made it all the way up to the 7th floor (room 712 by the way. I’m by the elevator so it gets more foot traffic) and realized I had left my phone in the car. I went back downstairs and had to walk by the concierge desk where Concierge Marie stopped me, “Did you find your room ok?” Judging by the fact that I was sans baggage, yes I had found it. She proceeded to tell me what the conference would entail for the next four days in descriptive detail. About 2 minutes into her novel, the McRibb had started working its magic and I felt a little percolation a-brewing. She asked if she could show me where the conference areas were to be held and in the interest of being polite I said sure since it was on the way to the parking garage. I got my cell phone from the car and knew it was a matter of time before I was about to let a McToot. I headed back towards the elevator and of course ran into Concierge Marie again. She got my attention by asking “would you like to see something amazing?” Dammit, she knows my weakness – amazing things. As I neared the desk, the McToot was McLeaving my body and knew that this could be an epic crop dust. She gave me an informational flier on the biggest shark in the world which is housed in Wichita. At this point, I don’t feel bad that I SBD’d the front desk and the three employees because a large shark is in fact not awesome. Like Dane Cook, I want to punch one in the face. At this point I paid heed of the crop dusting rules:
1. Wait 10 seconds post dusting to let the aroma filter through the britches
2. Once you walk away do NOT look back
3. It helps to have a neutral third party observe from a distance in case you want to hear about the aftermath but do NOT look back
4. Celebrate privately unless the victim was friends, family, or library readers. Otherwise maintain a safe distance, and then party like its 1999.
At this point I waited the standard 10 and made a b-line for the elevators. I kept laughing to myself the whole walk because I’m a 12 year old kid stuck in a 25 year old body, like Tom Hanks in Big. Only Zoltar didn’t grant me that wish, I’m just living that dream. I made it to inside the elevator doors and as they were closing, I looked up and broke rules 2-4. I went against the Crop Code and made direct eye contact while smiling with Concierge Marie. Let’s just say, the front desk staff knows that the McRibb is back. Until next time.
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