Hiatus Shmiatus and Creepy Basements

So...I know it's been a year and I know I've already taken a hiatus away from writing but it seems I've found my way back. I think technically anything over a month or two is a sabbatical so maybe I took one of those, or two consecutive sabbaticals,in which case could enter me into a sabbatical contest. Nevertheless, I wound up looking back at old blog posts and decided to give it a go so I wrote on a piece of notebook paper like a hipster. I wound up writing random thoughts for three pages and it seems that at my ripe old age of 27, I still have a few creative juices flowing through my veins. In all honesty, I heard NFG's version of Iris and I felt like a I had some cathartic experience or something...like a hipster... playing James Taylor records in their basement. Wait, do hipsters have basements? Maybe they just believe in slab homes or storm shelters. I feel terrible, I should have researched that before typing it. Now that I'm thinking about it, screw it, I think hipsters would probably have unfinished basements with shelving along the walls where they store dusty books, old trombones, and things covered in sheets like the scene in The Zodiac. You can't watch that clip and tell me that doesn't look like what a hipsters basement should look like, right? So it's settled - hipsters have either storm shelters, creepy basements, or slab homes.

 I also think that anytime you go to someones house, they should disclose if they have a creepy basement upfront so that you don't discover it later and wind up thinking to yourself "yup, this is where it all ends. Right here in this creepy dungeon basement". Say for instance, you go over to a new friend's house for the first time, they invite you in, offers to take your coat. Right then it should be disclosed "So this is the foyer, oh, can I grab your coat? London Fog, huh? Classic coat my friend. Right in here we're in the process of sprucing up our dining room and oh, you see that doorway over there? Yup, we've got a creepy basement. Thought about finishing it but, nah, it's a sweet looking cathartic type place, ya know?" It just seems much more honest and forthcoming rather than finding out later while you're in the bottom of a well while your new friend is throwing lotion at you and telling you to 'it puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again'. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe being upfront about a creepy basement will cost you friends and they'll think that you're Buffalo Bill and about to make a coat out of your skin. Moral of the story and two key rules for life - don't be a hipster and finish your damn basement.

Rules you say? Well, as long as I'm ripping off the idea of me coming back from hiatus only to come back from another hiatus (I know, I'm ashamed. I got busy, got lazy, got a dog, and got a girlfriend so blogging had to be pushed aside), I might as well rip off a post from my facebook page with my 20 Rules of Life:

 1. Never trust a good looking man with a mustache
2. Never believe a man with a pinky ring
3. Never trust a man with a first name that doubles as a city or with a name that rhymes with 'snake'
4. Always believe a one legged man for directions - he'll know the shortest route. Only trust a man with missing teeth on his recommendations for taffy - nothing else
5. Never side with someone who has daddy issues
6. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated
7. Women with shoulder tattoos are not marriage material and are prone to trouble
8. You can always tell the quality of a restaurant by the quality and presentation of their bacon
9. A chef salad should have a proper ham to lettuce ratio. It should be a similar to a sandwich without bread
10. The drive thru attendant at Long John Silvers is not a reliable individual under any circumstance
11. Own nice clothes so you don't have to borrow. You never want another man to fart in your pants
12. Be nice to servers - don't mess with people who mess with your food.
13. Try to better understand others' points of views, you'll understand others better
14. Don't be a quitter. Quitters are douche bags. Liars are worse than quitters, don't be a liar. If you are both, well sir, then you're an ass wipe
15. Having more money doesn't make you more important.
16. Always carry gum, everybody likes the person who gives them a stick of gum.
17. There is never a time for naked lunges or nude water fountain trips. Just because you are in a locker room, does not allow you to skirt this rule.
18. Only two types of people wear sunglasses indoors - blind/albino people and assholes. No exceptions
19. Keep your family and friends close throughout life. They need you as much as you need them.
20. Be respectful, always be honest, be courteous, be empathetic, and be real. The more real you are, the more unreal your life will be

 

And with that, I'm back. As frequent as I can be with random topics as I may. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I still am busy, still am lazy, still have the dog, and still got THE girl if ya know what I'm saying and I think you do. Life is good .

 

Your Favorite,

Cody

We've All Got Quirks

Every single one of us, whether its the clicking of a pen to obnoxious levels, popping every conceivable part on one's body, or people who can just eat ketchup packets. We don't know why we do these things, we just do. I even have one of my own: I can't help but touch animal's noses.


I'll let that sink in for a second so you can process that remark. I can't help but touch animal's noses.


Before you start to wonder, no, I wasn't abused by a child where my nose was fondled or anything like that. I couldn't tell you when this....fondness started occurring but I can tell you it started at an early age. There is old family movie where I'm listening to a Michael Jackson tape with my cat Frisky on my lap and in between my outbursts of singing (those of you who have seen this tape know what I'm talking about) I take a break to touch his nose.

The only rational explanation I can come up with to why I still do this to this day is because human noses aren't cold and wet. And if they were, I would have left all these animal's poor noses alone. But in all seriousness, touching a pig's snout was super satisfying although the pig was less than pleased.


-In Chad We Trust

ps- If I could line up every animal in the world and go down the line and touch every ones nose, I totally would.

- In Chad We Trust

The Worst Ever: Vol. 2 - Bar Hookup

First off, its really hard to call this a "hookup" because I don't know what you call a situation where one person is the only person interested.

It was dollar beer night (as I'm sure a lot of bad bar stories start) and me and several of my cohorts decided to partake in the fun. As the night is starting to wear down I apparently caught the attention of one of my friend's coworkers, whom she had brought along. The feeling wasn't mutual.

Girl: "I lykee that shuurrt...you looook cute" *crooked and slurred smile*
Me: "Uhh...thanks."
Girl: "You wanna take a ssshot??"
Me: "Uhhh...sure?" (The logic wasn't perfect that night)

So after a $15 shot of Patron (again, the logic wasn't perfect) drunkie grabs my junk and kisses me. Allow me to back up a second. The only conversation I had with this girl the entire night was "Hey, what's you name again?" before we went out hours ago. I literally do not know this girl at all but something in her mind thought 'You should totally grab this guys balls.' Somehow I was appointed the drunk babysitter so she was now my problem.

Back at the friend's apartment everyone is ready for bed. Mistake #1 was drinking just enough to where I shouldn't drive so I had to stay at my friend's apartment. So my friend and I shared a bed (no funny business) and all the while everyone is trying to sleep Miss Drunk Pants keeps going room to room trying to talk to people. She eventually collapses somewhere in the living room and everyone gets to sleep.

My friend wakes up at 5am because she has to go to work and I get up with her just to make sure she has everything. "Where is that one girl?" My friend asks because there is a vacant spot where a drunk girl once occupied. I had just assumed she went into another room and paid no attention. My friend leaves and I go back to bed. I hear the front door open a few minutes later and thinking my friend forgot something I get up to see. Mistake #2 was getting up.

Guess who walks in the door holding a beer (no idea where she got it) and wearing my flannel shirt and my shoes. After a brief conversation I go back to bed. Mistake #3 was not locking the door. Drunkie comes into the room, flops on the bed and blurts out "Time for bed!!" and rips off her clothes. I proceed to get up and grab my shoes and shirt and place them in the other room. Mistake #4 was coming back to bed. My thought was she's got to pass out sometime soon, there's no way she can still be awake for much longer. (Mistake #5)

The girl proceeds to roll me over and start trying to make out with me. I manage to wiggle out of it but our lips made contact which was not a pleasant feeling.

The following conversation is 100% true:

Girl: "Baby...baby...you should have sex with me."
Me: "I don't have any protection and I like to be safe"
Girl: *Pulls me in really close* "You don't have to be safe in my mouth."

----RED FLAG----

I don't remember what I said to dodge that nasty bullet but it worked.....for a minute. I roll back over thinking this mess has to be over. Again, I start to hear the town drunk call me baby and she starts humping me. Never being put in this situation I do the only thing I can possibly think to do.


I start to fake snore which to my surprise works. She falls asleep, I fall asleep scared penis and all.


-In Chad We Trust

ps - I later found out she peed in the bed

The Worst Ever: Vol. 1 - Received Gift

Now that the semester is finally finished I now have time for the creepers of the world. I wanted to start a mini-series about the worst [insert scenario here] I've ever had/experienced/seen/etc. So in honor of....honor of nothing really here is the story behind The Worst Give I Have Ever Received:


Valentines Day of 2005 I was a junior in high school dating a girl (Jessie NOT-Harris) and we were ready to exchange gifts. I had been a good boyfriend and listened to what she wanted and bought accordingly. After a rough trip to Victoria's Secret with my brother I left with several body sprays and lotions. I had also bought the standard candy and stuffed animal.

Now for the backbone to the story: 1) The girlfriend I were talking about gift giving earlier in the month and we discussed terrible gifts, to which I had mentioned I would hate to be with someone for so long and the only gift I would receive would be socks and a card.
2) I hate people who eat only one pop-tart out of the package and either leave the remaining tart in its wrapping or put it in a plastic bag to try and keep it "fresh". You made a commitment to both pop-tarts when you opened the package they came in

Maybe you can see where this is going. The girlfriend wakes me up early V-Day before she goes off to basketball practice with a bag and card. She leaves before I look in the bag, had she been there we might've broken up right then and there. I was greeted by a pair of socks and a single pop-tart in a plastic bag. I angrily open the card to read the phrase, "HAHA!!! This isn't your only gift. Happy Valentines Day!!". You're godamn right this better not be my only gift.

The gift exchange occurs over at her house. I give her my gift that consists of things she wanted, standard extras, and an awkward mall trip. The whole time I'm thinking how after all of this I would have a respectable gift headed my way. Nope. I was given an unfitted Nebraska Cornhuskers hat. My family is big Nebraska fans whereas I could care less, I was just given a gift by association.

"Do you like it?" she asked nervously.

The worst gift I've ever received? Pair of socks, 1 pop-tart, and a hat of a team I don't care about

-In Chad We Trust

Dirty South Education

What's up Creeps? Nothing says 'I need a blog update' like watching the 2010 Hip Hop Honors: Dirty South Edition on Palladia HD. As you can tell, it's my day off from the gym which means it's a free night with little to do. Really, what's better on a Thursday night than watching Mystikal, 2 Live Crew, and T.I. take themselves way too seriously. Actually, there's about 4,570 things better to do on a Thursday night but it's cold and I'm lazy. There was good that came of it I suppose, for instance, I found out that Bonecrusher is still alive and on the verge of diabetes, St. Louis is considered part of the 'Dirty South' despite it's geographical location, Missy Elliott still enjoys cupcakes, and when Master P says 'you know what I'm sayin', I still have no idea what he's saying. I found it odd that of all people Asher Roth was invited to the event and they even let him rap. I felt nervous the whole time like you were about to witness a Punk'd of epic porportions. I had a feeling  they invited him and made him think that they'd enjoy his company, want to hang out with him, maybe let him rap a few bars only to bring him on stage and drill him with a barage of pee filled water balloons. I literally think that would be the biggest slap in the face/oh, you got me good moment. 80% of the time when I'm invited to meet up with friends or someone at work says "hey, come check this out", I keep my guard up because I half expect a water balloon to be heading my way. If you ever see me with the 'who farted' face with squinty eyes, furrowed brow, and stepping gingerly, I either have caught a wiff of brownies, I'm confused, or I'm on alert of a pending barage of water balloons. That probably has to do with my past and water balloons which is a story for my next entry. Let's just say it ends with a juvenile criminal record and a disappointed mother.

Speaking of a disappointed mother, my mom's an absolute addict for Modern Family. Specifically, she's addicted to Eric Stonestreet's character, Cam. It's been her goal lately to have a gay friend that she can shop, cook, and grab drinks with. I think the best thing that could ever happen to my mom would be in a flash mob with a big, gay man and I mean that as the absolute truth. Ever since she saw the flash mob episode, she's been YouTubing flash mobs and has been Googling information on joining one. If anyone has any info on flash mobs or joining one, please let me know. It would allow her to die in peace with no regrets. Also, if you're a big, gay man and want to grab coffee with my mom let me know. She'll be your new BFF and be a two for one. I literally think that's the weirdest thing I've ever done - tried to set my mom up with a gay man for drinks and dancing. Until next time.

Your Favorite,

Cody

Teen Mom, WCW, puppies, and more!

And like that my hiatus ends. Sorry for the delay, I’ve found myself on the pet owner bandwagon and bought myself a puppy and have been busy watching my carpet go to crap (literally), speaking in a high pitched voice (my dog responds positively to this and have friends that can vouch), having my belongings chewed on, and waking up at 6 am to watch a dog pee. The last part isn’t so much of a complaint because for the past 3 days I’ve had to go when I took him out so we used the same bush which makes me a father of the year candidate so all in all, I’m living the dream. I will say there is something liberating about going freely outside that women will never understand the same way as men. It’s a relief to know that we can stand and our only fear is a sudden face wind.  However, it’s no excuse to leave the blog hanging. I feel like I should cuddle the 8 of you and say “I’m sorry” and that “I’ll never leave again” and then take you out for ice cream while making corny jokes in the car ride to DQ hoping you’ll forgive me with promises of insulin rattling chocolaty goodness. That’s right, I’m treating you guys like a parent who sent their kid to their room for the first time and feels bad about it afterwards. Sound good? Wanna eat some chocolate chip ice cream? Some cherries on top? Maybe a soda to wash it down? Can you hear my voice tone rising? Dear God, it’s taken me over!

Let me just say having a little dog can only be referenced to the thing that I know best – Teen Mom. Having a puppy makes me feel like I’m on an episode of Teen Mom only I don’t have an Amber to go along with it. She was charming wasn’t she? Simply delightful. I kennel Big Bocephus (yup, was listening to a lil Hank Jr. and I came up with the name) during the day when I’m at hell work so I felt bad for the first few days until last Tuesday night when I watched Teen Mom 2. I then found out that it’s basically what Jenelle does with Jace so I felt a little relieved. I’m pretty sure she feeds him a few Ritz hourly so he’s good, right? Both the Teen Moms and my predicaments were spur of the moment and unplanned, we both struggle to make time for friends because we know that a massive dump is just around the corner, and our hips will never be the same. Ok, I might have just made that last one up. Is it just me or has this season turned into the biggest train wreck this side of Gigli? Ben Affleck anyone? No? Okay, moving on. The effect that season one had with high school kids wanting babies HAS to be evened out with high schoolers wanting nothing to do with members of the opposite sex thanks to Jenelle, Kailyn, and Chelsea this year. The most redeeming quality that can be said about Jenelle is that at the very least, she’s not Chris Benoit…yet. I’m not going to lie to you, I typed that joke about 2 or 3 different ways and thought it was funny/became embarrassed about it every which way I posed it. Momma Bear does read the blog and I know what you’re thinking – “your mom is going to be disappointed in you when she reads that joke” and I say N-O. If you know anything about my family, you know that we were raised to love us some WCW. Chad and I weren’t the only ones that screamed at the top of our lungs when Benoit locked in the Crippler Crossface. Truth being told, mom was a true Jericholic and would have given her left mammary to be put in the Liontamer. And right there is where mom would be disappointed in me – sorry mom, at least I thought it was funny at the time. I’ll never forget the time my mom took us to a Monday Nitro at Kemper Arena when I was in 8th grade. Not only did I make national TV with a sign I made showing support for my main man Bret, (fast forward to 2:09 in the video and that’s me) we witnessed the return of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall (walked right down our aisle, thank you very much), and I bought a Revolution t-shirt (which consisted of Shane Douglas, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Chris Benoit) minutes before they broke up in the ring. That night I vowed to my 13 year old self that I would never buy another wrestling t-shirt again…until Mr. Kennedy debuted because he had my last name and had a sweet gimmick of screaming our name into the mic…and then again when he got busted for steroids and his stuff went on sale – 90% off! You can’t pass up a deal that good. Did I mention that the last two were in my early twenties? Can’t decide if that’s something I should be sharing out loud but it happened, so there it is.

So let’s just get this straight, I equated having a child at 16 to raising a dog at 26, made a joke about Ben Affleck, and talked for 10 minutes about wrestling? Yup, that sounds like a blog post to me. And if you didn’t like it, maybe you’ll enjoy this? No? Well…damn.

Either way, If you’re still reading this after the grammatical errors, the nonsensical tangents, poorly worded jokes, sophomoric humor, and pop culture references then you deserve a medal…or a t-shirt. Hey! By the way, T-Shirts are right around the corner – no farce! We at Sometimes I Talk Out Loud truly appreciate the support. Come hell, high water, puppy bite marks, and citations for public urination we’re back to weekly updates and I won’t be using the ice cream apology any more.

Your Favorite,
Cody